Unpacking the Past: Revisiting My Survival Mechanisms to Thrive Today
Brandon Frost
Sr. Business Analyst
Remote (Portland, Oregon)
Pronouns: He/Him/His
When it’s your issue, not mine
Until I came out, “being gay” was central to everything in my life.
Being accepted for my sexual identity felt so high stakes, and therefore my sexual identity was the only thing I focused on. However, once I came out and became comfortable in my own skin, I honored my overall authenticity more. I don’t feel the need to shrink myself to accommodate other people who might be uncomfortable. I am who I am, zero apologies. If other people have hang-ups, then that’s an issue they have to reconcile, it’s no longer my job.
My timeline to living Out and proud
I knew when I was about 5-years-old that I was attracted to guys. At that early age, I repressed those feelings and pretended it was a phase I’d grow out of. I was terrified to be different, or to be judged, so I just buried those feelings. I came out broadly to my friends and peers when I was 18 years old, so I am fully entrenched in my sexual orientation at this point. I am out, I am proud, and I am comfortable with who I am.
It’s do or die
Coming out to my friends in college was the easy part. They were open minded and never once cared. Coming out to my family felt like a do or die proposition. It was terrifying to put myself out there, hoping and praying that they would still accept and love me as I am. It’s still the most monumental day for me because it allowed me to finally take my life back. No need to live a double life anymore.
Masking myself for what
When I was younger and closeted, I spent so much time and energy masking myself. It was downright exhausting living my authentic life out of the closet, and then packing it all in to “act a certain way” when I went home. I never mentioned any details of my personal life in fear of being found out.
Outdated survival mechanisms
As an adult, I’ve revisited all the defense mechanisms and protective barriers that I created in order to survive, and unpacked them. Slowly shedding these layers and allowing myself to be seen for who I am was a process. Coming out was the pivot point in my life that allowed me to take that energy that was once used to hide my true self, and use it towards more productive things like investing in relationships, work and community outreach.
I did the best I could
I do sometimes resent how much damage was done by being trapped in the closet. But through therapy and counseling, I’ve found a peaceful and productive way to deal with that past trauma. The best way to revisit the past is with a sense of grace, and not self-critical judgement.
As my therapist always says, “You did the best you could with what you knew then. You were an adolescent gay child – give yourself some grace and understanding. You were protecting yourself because you thought nobody else would.”
Speaking to my inner child
My advice to my younger self would be to love and embrace yourself unconditionally. Don’t dim your shine for anyone. You are different and you are beautiful just the way you are. Surround yourself with those that allow you to be your authentic self, and all the rest will fall into place.
Working at a gay bar
Not even a shameless plug here, but I have to say that choosing to work at Discover was the best decision I ever made. I worked at a gay bar in Columbus after college that allowed me to make great money and remain super connected to the LGBTQ+ community. However, it wasn’t a long term career, and I knew that. One of my gay friends had mentioned that he worked at Discover, and that it provided an inclusive work environment along with all the benefits of working for a corporate brand. I have been here since 2011, and his words have never been truer than they are today, as I remain active in our Pride employee resource group (ERG) and am a member of our Diversity, Equity & Inclusion (DE&I) Council
Navigating corporate culture
I do always put little feelers out there if I’m on a new team, but since I’m fully entrenched in my identity and confident in who I am, I will never shrink myself by not saying “my boyfriend” or “my partner,” nor will I ever not put a picture of my partner at my desk. We have come too far as a community to shy away from sharing the most personal details of our lives.
Early-career mistakes
In the past, I shrank myself because I didn’t know what to do or ask out of fear of not knowing or for being judged, so I would just remain quiet and try to figure it out on my own. Again, those trauma wounds of being judged in childhood run deep and they remain strong unless confronted head on. Now I speak with confidence, I ask questions when I need clarification, and I trust that I am capable of anything set in front of me, from a career perspective.
White privilege and intersectionality
I find myself really understanding intersectionality more and more as I navigate being an out individual. I’m recognizing the full extent of my privilege as a white man, while also being empathetic to other minority groups that have experienced discrimination, bias and stereotyping. I too have been oppressed and discriminated against from growing up as a gay man. Those experiences help me understand what being an advocate and ally truly means within the Diversity, Equity & Inclusion (DE&I) space.
Connecting to the community
I’ve been a member or chair of our LGBTQ Pride group for years, I’m a contributing member of our DE&I Council in Payment Services, and I am always engaged in all our other ERG chapters to stay relevant and up to date with their struggles. I strive to always be a deliberate advocate and ally for all of my peers. In Columbus, I always try to volunteer for the Pride parades, or through a local LGBTQ+ youth center in the city. I’ve joined LGBTQ+ running clubs, sports teams (kickball, softball, volleyball), and have even joined LGBTQ+ book clubs.
My hobbies
My family and I grew up the BIGGEST football fans, and so football Saturday’s during the fall were nothing short of an experience. Tailgates, neighborhood parties, family BBQ’s were synonymous with football. I have numerous text threads with family and friend groups that fire off each and every autumn, and it still remains one of my biggest passions and traditions in adulthood – I bleed scarlet and gray!
My LGBTQ+ cultural fave
If there’s a stereotypical LGBTQ+ obsession that I have, it’s watching (and being fully invested in) drag show reality TV! I appreciate the openness, creativity, inclusivity, the over-the-top personalities, and the incredible artistic talent of the show. I’m always eager for the newest season to drop so that I can have watch parties with all my LGBTQ+ friends! It’s light-hearted, good-ole-fashioned campy FUN!
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