How I’m Navigating Religion, Family and My Evolving Identity
Nicole
Operational Specialist
Lake Park, UT
Pronouns: She/her
When labels flow into each other
All the way up to age 24 I thought I was straight. Then bisexual. Then openly gay. Now I identify as Pansexual. I’m more attracted to the kind of person someone is. Character is what draws me in, not gender/gender identity. It’s been a long journey, but I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m very happy with who I am.
A reflection on them, not me
I grew up in a very religious family where I was taught that any attraction that wasn’t heterosexual was bad. When I finally realized that I liked girls, it was really hard to re-write that script in my brain. I felt afraid of rejection from my family. Afraid of a stranger lashing out in public. Afraid of even just unwanted stares. While I still have some anxiety around being in public, I’ve worked on understanding that someone else lashing out is a reflection on them, not me.
When my religious upbringing kicked in
I first came out to myself when I was 24. Up until that point, I’d only ever been in relationships with boys. One night that all changed when my best friend and I got physical with each other. In the heat of the moment it felt right, but as soon as it was over, my religious upbringing kicked in and I bawled. Though I loved her, I felt like I’d led her on. I mentally rejected the possibility that we could date because I hadn’t admitted the truth to myself yet.
Remembering it’s not my fault
Within that same week, I thought through everything and realized that I did like her. We started dating shortly after and have been together ever since! Looking back now, the experience is embarrassing.
I ask myself how I could have denied my feelings. I have to remember that it wasn’t my fault and that I had to overcome years of conditioning from my religious upbringing. Hearing other people’s stories that are similar to mine has really helped me feel more normal about my experience.
Advice to younger me
I would give my younger self this advice: don’t just listen to adults because they are in positions of “power.” Listen to yourself and what YOU truly feel is right. Be open and don’t judge other people. Learn about who they are.
Why going to college changed my life
The best decision I ever made was going to college. At the time, I really hated school. Sitting in a class all day, memorizing facts wasn’t for me. But I felt pressured by my parents and grandparents to be the first one in my family to go to college, so I went. Little did I know I would meet the love of my life there. Life has been amazing with her. Truly the best decision I ever made!
Stating support isn’t enough
My family is still very religious and we disagree on a lot of things. I recently talked with them about the Equality Act, back when it was up for a vote. I wanted to know if they supported the bill because I’m part of the overall community it’s aimed at. At the end of the day, my parents didn’t support the bill because they felt it limited their religious freedoms. I felt frustrated because while they say they support me, they didn’t act in support of me.
A hard scenario to swallow
No matter how much I want them to see it from my side, they might not ever change. From this experience, a hard truth I learned is that I cannot control them. Instead, I set boundaries with them while staying true to myself. I won’t stop speaking up and sharing my opinion. I’m not going to hide myself in fear. If they want to stop their relationship with me, they have the option to set that boundary too. It’s a hard scenario to swallow, but it’s easier because I have other people in my life that fully support me.
Discover Pride
For as long as I’ve worked at Discover, we’ve had a Pride employee resource group (ERG). We have fun events throughout the year and host trainings on how to be an ally for the LGBTQIA+ community. I’ve never felt discriminated against or even judged by anyone who I’ve worked with here.
Challenging systemic racism
I’ve also been impressed with the diversity and equity work Discover has focused on with the Black Organizational Leadership at Discover (BOLD) ERG. We have programs about systemic racism and how we can be better allies. Discover has also actively taken steps to hire more people of color (POC), donate to our local communities, and has spoken out about how we don’t tolerate racism in our workplace. I’ve loved working here specifically for these reasons.
The great unlearn
I’m currently working on navigating life as a white woman. I’m learning to un-write my biases, support marginalized communities, and stand up for what’s right— even when it is uncomfortable or scary. I’ve educated myself through research and am learning to listen more. I’ve been standing up when people around me say things that are racist, homophobic, or overall just rude and insensitive. I will never stop trying to better myself in this area, it’s so important for our future.
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